


Empty Heart

by Sara_K_M



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: Crisis of Faith / Leadership/ Season 7 canon, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-21 07:01:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20689418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sara_K_M/pseuds/Sara_K_M
Summary: After counseling Mabel Tillerson and her daughter, Sister Julianne loses her trust in God.





	Empty Heart

Disclaimer: I don’t own Call of the Midwife.

“… I don’t want to say goodbye to summer…” the happy little children sang in their magic bean costumes. It was nice that the dinner Reverend Herewood had arranged and the Beanstalk Presentation had gone so well. And ordinarily Sister Julianne’s heart would be swelling with joy. Especially with Angela Turner smiling on stage in her bean costume and Timothy playing the piano nearby. She’d always had a special place in her heart for the Turner family.

But tonight, Sister Julianne felt only emptiness.

It seemed her council to Mabel and her daughter, Mrs. Anthea Sweating had finally ended. Anthea had arrived to watch the Beanstalk Presentation with her mother after all. She’d even introduced Mabel to her grandchildren. They would attempt to put all the pain and anger that Percival Tillerson inflicted on both behind them. 

But ironically, now that mother and daughter were reunited, Sister Julianne couldn’t stop thinking about what Percival Tillerson did. How could he have kept hurting everyone in his family? Mabel had said her son, Edwin, was constantly ducking from “blows” from Percival. And Shelagh had said Mabel had once crawled to the lavatory because of her injuries. Worst of all was the man’s… unnatural interest in his daughter, resulting in at least one pregnancy.

Sister Julianne tried to push these thoughts away. They were wrong; against everything she represented and everything she always believed. But the more she tried to banish them, the firmer they became.  
How could God allow such a man to exist and do what he did? How could the Lord allow so much pain and do nothing about it for so many years? Instead of an intimate friend, a spouse, the Lord was suddenly a cold, distant being she couldn’t trust or understand.

“… I’ll send you all my love... “ the children continued their song, their smiles bright and eager. But Sister Julianne still felt nothing. How could she feel love for anyone when the One who gave love was unavailable to her?  
Sister Julianne plastered a smile on her face, determined not to show anyone her problem. She couldn’t. She was a nun. A spiritual leader.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

“… For as Christ’s sufferings overflow to us, through Christ does our encouragement also overflow. If we are afflicted it is for your encouragement and salvation; if we are encouraged, it is your encouragement, which enables you to endure the same sufferings   
we suffer.” * 

Sister Julianne read that passage over and over that night, trying to accept in her heart again. It was something she’d heard and believed for years. That our sufferings were necessary to join with Christ’s sufferings on the cross. But somehow, tonight it meant nothing. She felt nothing. 

Percival Tillerson had tormented his family, and that meant God was absent. 

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Piles and piles of snow still covered all Popular, and it was colder than ever. Today it was five below zero (Fahrenheit). It was as if the Lord was trying to freeze Sister Julianne’s heart even more than it already was. She felt even more empty than before.

But Sister Julianne was still in charge of Nonnatus. Empty heart or not, she was required to give Popular the same care she always had. With Nurses Herewood and Mount gone now, she knew they needed a new midwife to provide that care. “I’ve just received notice that we will have a new midwife,” she told all the other nurses with a forced smile on her face. “Nurse Anderson passed all her exams with flying colors and is already one her way to joining us.”  
The girls replied with bright smiles and eager nods. 

“I thought she could share a room with Nurse Crane,” Sister Julianne said, her eyes falling on the middle – aged woman.

“I’m certain Nurse Anderson and I will make excellent comrades – in – arms,” Nurse Crane said. 

As Sister Julianne watched everyone leave the room, she gave a small sigh of relief. No one had noticed she had an empty heart. She could still be useful to Nonnatus.

OOOOOOOOOOO

“There is something you can do for me,” Sister Julianne told her eldest sister, knowing how much Sister Monica Joan wished to be useful. And everyone else was so busy with other duties, so it was the perfect job for the older woman. “The power will be cut soon, and I need to know when that will be. It will be listed in the paper. Please check it everyday so we can organize our work.”

Sister Monica Joan’s eyes lit up. “Absolutely.”

But it seemed the task was too much for Sister Monica Joan, as that night everyone in Nonnatus unexpectedly found themselves in darkness. “I put too much on her,” Sister Julianne said with regret to Sister Winnifred in the dim candlelight.

“I did exactly what I tasked!” Sister Monica Joan protested, interrupting them at precisely the wrong time. The poor woman was so sensitive about what she could and could not handle. “It is not my fault that the power was cut when it should not have been.”

“It was just a mistake,” Sister Winnifred said gently, the candlelight dancing against her face to show her smile. Sister Julianne envied her cheerfulness and optimism right now. “I make them all the time.”

“But your mistakes are not seen as an example of your mind disappearing,” Sister Monica Joan said. Sister Julianne couldn’t see her face very well in the dark, but she was certain the older woman expression was of annoyance and sadness. 

“You are still valuable to us here,” Sister Julianne said, trying to assure the woman of her worth. She knew how important it was for everyone to be valued. Especially now, considering they weren’t cherished by the Lord any longer. “No matter what.” 

“Quite,” Sister Monica Joan said, but her voice lacked certainty.

“Truly, you are, Sister,” Sister Winnifred agreed.

Sister Monica Joan stared at Sister Julianne for a moment, but it felt more like an hour to her. Sometimes Sister Julianne forgot how perceptive her oldest sister could be. Did Sister Monica Joan realize her secret? Did she understand Sister Julianne’s heart was empty of the Lord? After all, Sister Monica Joan had been walking with the Lord for longer than Sister Julianne had been alive. 

But Sister Monica Joan finally simply walked away. Sister Julianne gave a soft sigh of relief. Perhaps the darkness was her friend tonight. It must have been too dark for Sister Monica Joan to read her secret.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Poor Nurse Anderson finally came but had caught a bladder infection. The girl fainted in the kitchen early in the morning. “She’ll recover as long as she has a week of rest and antibiotics,” Dr. Turner assured her.

“What do you think the patients will say about her being… colored?” Nurse Franklin asked as they all consumed their dinner.

“Hopefully nothing,” Sister Julianne said firmly. The young woman’s skin color had nothing to do with her nursing skills. “St. Cuthbert’s already has several colored nurses.”

“But people can be frightfully ignorant,” Nurse Dyer said, shaking her head sadly. 

Ordinarily Sister Julianne would pray for Nurse Anderson. That she would recover from her bladder infection and that she would be accepted as a nurse by the people of Popular.   
But Sister Julianne couldn’t pray any longer. She didn’t trust God at all and couldn’t hear Him, either. She hoped Nurse Anderson could succeed without her prayers.

OOOOOOOOOO

Yet even though Sister Julianne could no longer hear the Lord, she still found herself leading Compline every night. After all, she was not only in charge of the nurses at Nonnatus, but all the nuns living here as well. They all looked to her for spiritual guidance. 

None of them could know her heart felt empty.

“He will watch…and He will not sleep… the Lord is my defense…” they all chanted. Sister Julianne forced her face to remain passive and her voice to sound clear. But she felt like such a hypocrite. She was singing something she no longer believed. 

Meanwhile Sister Winnifred sang with all her heart, lifting her voice to the heavens. Just as Sister Julianne had always done. Could she ever sing like that again? 

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Compline remained an odd combination of emptiness and envy for Sister Julianne. The Lord no longer filled her soul while they sang, and she felt as if she could never reach Him again. But her other sisters still sang with their entire heart and soul. Why couldn’t Sister Julianne do that again? Every time she tried, Mabel Tillerson’s face appeared in her mind, and Sister Julianne remembered why the Lord couldn’t be trusted.

She tried to appreciate the music, but it was a struggle when she couldn’t feel the meaning behind it. 

OOOOOOOOOOO

Sister Julianne also tried to appreciate spring. It was after all, God’s recreation of the world. And everyone should be particularly grateful for this spring after the long, extremely cold winter they’d just had.  
But it seemed all she could focus on was what God hadn’t given them. Could their garden be saved? Sister Julianne worried about it, especially considering she could no longer depend on the Lord for anything.

She buried her hands in the dirt again. It was still cold.

“No daffodils?” Sister Monica Joan asked from behind her. The older woman sounded so disappointed.

“The harsh winter has taken it’s toll,” Sister Julianne replied, still digging. There were things they simply couldn’t depend on the Lord for, and daffodils were one of them.

“Why is everything so faded?” Sister Monica Joan asked in the same disappointed voice.

Indeed, Sister Julianne thought to herself as she dug harder into the ground.

OOOOOOOOOOO

A few days later, Sister Julianne realized just how “faded” she had become. Poor Nurse Anderson had been accused of causing Marjory Chivver’s stroke, just because she was colored. Somehow, Sister Julianne had allowed herself to agree that Nurse Anderson shouldn’t take care of Marjory or her newborn son any longer.

Nurse Anderson marched right into Sister Julianne’s office and explained her feelings. The young woman tried to be nice, but Sister Julianne knew she was angry. As she should be.

“If you stop sending me to Marjory, it will look as if Mrs. Stanton’s slurs are justified,” Nurse Anderson began, her kind face appearing harder and her voice sounding firm. “And as though you accept her attitude towards me.” 

“I don’t,” Sister Julianne said, hoping to make that clear, at least. The young woman was a fine nurse.

“Then, with respect, Sister Julianne,” Nurse Anderson said, using the same hard face and firm tone. “You know what to do.”

Sister Julianne sighed after the young woman left. Nurse Anderson was right. How could she have misjudged the situation and the proper actions so much? Had her heart become so empty that she could no longer do her job and provide care to her employees and the rest of Popular?

Such a thought made her blood run cold. Even colder than it had been this past winter. She couldn’t fail. 

Somehow, Sister Julianne must give everyone twice as much love as she had before, in order to overcome her empty heart.

OOOOOOOOOOO

“Praise the Lord, my soul,” the nuns all sang, slower than normal. This was a new tune, and they needed to be careful for Sister Monica Joan’s sake. Sister Julianne stood close to her, giving twice as much love, just as she’d promised.

It was the fifth time they’d sang that line, but the older woman was finally singing. The joy on her face was wonderful.

And the new tune was beautiful. So beautiful that Sister Julianne almost felt something from the Lord for a moment. But it was probably wishful thinking.

OOOOOOOOOOO

It was definitely wishful thinking, considering the next day Sister Julianne had an empty heart once again. She did her best to nurse and guide the younger nurses without the Lord. She tried to care for all Nonnatus, which also meant shielding everyone from her problem. No one could ever know she had an empty heart. Fortunately, Sister Monica Joan was often preoccupied with pastries, her handicrafts and of course, the new television. If anyone could notice Sister Julianne’s troubles, it would be her eldest Sister.

Sometimes, when they attended compline, Sister Julianne thought Sister Monica Joan might notice something. Did she look at Sister Julianne strangely out of the corner of her eye? Did she emphasis certain words as they sang? 

Sister Julianne’s heart beat faster and faster, and she tried to sing a bit louder in order to ignore these concerns.

Yesterday, Sister Monica Joan was muttering about Achilles again when they left compline, though. Perhaps the woman’s mind had disappeared into literature again.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

But even without Sister Monica Joan to worry about, there were plenty of things in Popular to be concerned. It seemed Fred’s wife, Violet was organizing a Miss Popular beauty pageant, and Nurse Dyer had decided to enter. She would be parading around on stage in gowns, homemade dresses, and worst of all, a swimsuit! Sister Julianne suggested Nurse Dyer represent her aunt’s public house instead of Nonnatus House for the event.

Yet, Sister Julianne tried to support the event anyway. Fred and Violet were friends and part of their Nonnatus family, after all. And Nurse Dyer would appreciate the support as well. There was also Magda, Shelagh’s new au pair, who would be entering. Sister Julianne had always known support was a part of love. And she was still trying to give everyone twice as much love as she had given in the past, because of her empty heart.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Just as the beauty pageant ended, Shelagh disappeared. It seemed her new au Pair was injured in some way. The poor girl. Was there anything Sister Julianne could do to help? She must do something.  
Yet, when Shelagh explained things, Sister Julianne realized how much more difficult that would be than she’d thought. “I didn’t know she was pregnant, Sister,” Shelagh explained over the telephone. “But it seemed as if she used my medical books and Nonnatus’s drugs to… cause…” She took several deep breathes, and Sister Julianne wished she could hold the other woman’s hands. “An abortion,” she said, whispering the last word.

An abortion. Sister Julianne’s heart stopped at the innocent life lost.

Granted, she had assisted with women who had abortions before, and Sister Julianne tried not to judge them for their sin. They still needed health care, after all. But this was different. Magda had caused the abortion right on Nonnatus grounds. And used their drugs to help. Should Sister Julianne allow that?

Yet, this woman had also been Shelagh’s au Pair, a woman who’d cared for dear Angela and Teddy, and according to Shelagh, even made Timothy smile. How could Sister Julianne hurt such a woman? She probably felt lonely and scared, being in England for the first time, and without her boyfriend to help her.

She had promised herself to show everyone even more love than normal to compensate for empty heart, after all. This Magda needed love. And with that, Sister Julianne’s decision was made.

OOOOOOOOOOO

“But the innocent baby needed love as well, Lord,” Sister Julianne whispered that night in her cell, suddenly speaking to God without thinking. “And so did Mabel Tillerson. Why didn’t you give them the love they deserved?”

The Lord was silent. Naturally. Just as he had been for the last couple of months.

But the words poured out of her, anyway. “Where did you go, Lord? I thought I could always depend on you! But you have rejected me.”

The Lord was still silent. But somehow, Sister Julianne felt better for saying the words that had been in her heart for so long. She’d thought voicing them would cause them to become real, but instead it was a relief. A relief to talk to Him again.

“I want to know you again, Lord.” Sister Julianne finished, whispering in the dark.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

“Praise the Lord, my soul,… “ Sister Julianne sang with all of the other nuns about a week later. Her heart beat faster as she suddenly realized she meant everything she was singing. The Lord should be praised. And he filled her empty heart.

OOOOOOOOOO

In the coming months, Sister Julianne understood the importance of voicing and listening problems even more. She was able to help an Indian woman whose husband had apparently taken another wife speak about what was bothering her. And she tried to listen to Sister Monica Joan’s fears about her eye surgery. 

When young Nurse Herewood fought for life and many of her colleagues questioned God’s decision, Sister Julianne was there for them. Loving them and understanding their questions. The same questions she’d struggled with earlier that year.  
And Sister Julianne become stronger for it. And she thanked the Lord with all her heart. Her heart that was full of love from Him.

**Author's Note:**

> *2 Cor 1: 5 -7 St. Joseph ed.
> 
> This story has naturally been adjusted to fit Sister Julianne’s character and the season seven Call of the Midwife. But it was also heavily inspired by Saint Mother Teresa’s struggle with faith, which is described in detail in her surviving letters.   
They were collected after her death and published in: Come be my Light: The Private Writings of the Saint from Calcutta.


End file.
